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astertimberwolf · 2 years ago

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Warning: this might be a hard and long read, but I highly recommend for you to go through with it- especially if you intend on following or befriending me. Below you'll find a 3000~ words long confession (minus the tags), which never fails to kill my appetite... So make sure you're not eating anything if you intend to press on.

Here are some of the reasons I distanced myself from the RWBY fandom and anything Whiterose related for years:

• Disenchantment with the show and its writing after Miles and Kerry were left in charge (with Kerry being the only one left now, if I remember this correctly)

• Excessive identification with a fictional character (Weiss Schnee)

• Previously undiagnosed mental health issues

• Idolization of love and over-romanticization of a life I could never have

• An unforgiving, toxic fandom and a boatload of bad experiences

• The fact that a person I irredeemably & irreversibly hurt still roams —and has become big within— the Whiterose fandom

• Relationship messes IRL that kind of relate to —or were the result of— the excessive identification and escapism I was engaging in through RWBY and Whiterose specifically

• All of the above leading to enough guilt, self-hatred and generally negative feelings around a ship I used to love that I could not bring myself to write another fanfiction ever since

• Life & university keeping me busy after I got help and worked through some of my mental health issues

...

With that out of the way... I just don't know where to begin.

I was drawn to RWBY and Whiterose for many reasons.

Back in 2017, I was trapped in a toxic relationship (marriage), working my ass off (whenever I could) to support my then partner.

I engaged in many forms of escapism: from gaming to writing fanfics- dreaming of a better, more adventurous life filled with action...

It was around that time period that I found RWBY again- a love at second sight (if I have to be fully honest), since I had already discovered the show back when I was in high school, while it was still releasing volume 2, in between 2012 and 2014, but had to drop it due to depression and other issues going on at the time.

When I found it again, in 2017, I was living in a literal basement with my now ex-wife.

I started deeply relating to Weiss since her family, backstory, and much more, aligned almost perfectly with my own background, personality and past.

You could say that there were an awful lot of coincidences going on:

- my ex-wife had a name similar to Ruby Rose and shared some of her personality traits (but only on the surface)

- I knew (or used to know) people who acted like and / or reflected some of the side characters and villains from RWBY to a T (I used to know an IRL "Cinder Fall" with the same black, long hair and missing eye + one of my former best friends is an uncannily similar, long-haired version of Nora)

- I had an almost identical abusive family dynamic to Weiss: a narcissistic, manipulative father, who alternated between being too controlling / involved in my life (and would put me down for bad grades, life choices, and much, much more) and being completely absent due to important business trips; a semi-distant mother, who suffered from mood swings and anger issues and would drown her sorrows in several huge glasses of red wine; a cousin, whom I considered to be like an elder sister (like Winter to Weiss), who moved far away- I hardly ever see her anymore; another cousin (her sibling), who resembled Whitley in every aspect and was like an obnoxious little brother to me when we were young- and a family butler, completely bald (compared to Klein, who is only somewhat bald), who was *kind of* like a father figure to me for a while

- My mother owns a mansion, which originally belonged to my grandfather (apparently his inheritance was the result of that side of the family being rich merchants)

- I kept everyone at arm's length, both when I was young and now as an adult, because of how awful people have been during my childhood and generally throughout my life (some of the initial bullying, harassment and false friendships were related to wealth-related jealousy)

- I also experienced the death and loss of all the people who were dearest to me in (and around) my family: my maternal grandmother —who loved everyone unconditionally— , my maternal grandfather —whom I admired and respected deeply— and uncle, who was a kind soul- among many others... (family friends, cats I grew up with- a dog as well). I have never properly gotten over the grief attached to their loss (part of the reason behind why I became inherently scared of becoming attached to anyone else, in fear of losing them at a later date, one way or another)

- Weiss' songs spoke (and still speak) to me on such a personal level that it is hard for me to hold back tears whenever I listen to them by myself...

...

Long story short, you can see how this drove me down a very, VERY deep rabbit hole... Especially because I started obsessively shipping Whiterose, to the point of idolizing it... maybe secretly hoping it would influence my IRL relationship...? (subconsciously, not intentionally)

My marriage eventually fell apart, going as nuclear as it could have, with my ex-wife cheating on me with two different guys (each guy on a separate occasion).

I ended up filing for divorce after trashing our apartment, following a long-overdue mental breakdown... But I'm not going to get into that. I'm not here to throw myself a pity party. It happened a long time ago. I just wish my obsession with Whiterose and RWBY would have ended there... but it didn't.

You see, not too long ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism by proper mental health professionals.

I originally sought help due to depression, anxiety and my social ineptitude reaching —once more— a breaking point.

It still remains one of my deepest regrets to this date: the fact that I sought professional help only after f*cking up my life so immensely. A lot of suffering on all sides could have been prevented, had I just decided to get help prior to... What I have done.

Before I got help (and messed up), I had also attempted to heal from trauma on my own, which, miraculously, went somewhat well and exorcized some of my many demons.

Either way, without going into too much detail about my trauma... The Autism diagnosis kind of turned my world upside down at first. It did make a lot of sense (in fact- perhaps it made TOO much sense, once I finally started to come to terms with it), because —trauma and other mental health issues aside— I always struggled to fit in. And it wasn't just because of other kids being jealous of my family being well-off... I was just weird to everyone else, and stood out like a sore thumb.

Lastly, pertaining my mental issues... Due to my odd, excessive pattern spotting behavior and ideas of reference, alongside some "paranormal" occurrences that I still cannot fully explain to this day (which, I guess fall under the category of "magical beliefs"), I have long since theorized that I might be suffering from (undiagnosed) Schizotypal Personality Disorder as well... It would explain an awful lot of things, and make my tendency to heavily lean into Weiss' character even more pathological.

Thing is... Being around the RWBY fandom was really bad for me due to the above-mentioned inner turmoil.

Combine a complete mental basket casket like me with a bunch of insecure, dissatisfied, immature & toxic teenagers, and you got yourself a recipe for disaster.

Trouble started around the first time I took identifying with Weiss a little too far... After landing on a Whiterose Discord Server run by no other than [REDACTED] (this person no longer is, therefore, I refuse to talk ill of the dead), where I shared pictures of myself (I had bleached my hair to a snowy white color- or bright silver. Doesn't really matter) and half-jokingly stated that I was the "real life Weiss".

All I'll say on the matter, is that the person who ran this server was very well-known and popular throughout the Whiterose fandom as a whole- and I got bullied by them and people on their Discord server... so much so that I left not even a few days in from joining.

The bullying hurt so much, perhaps, because when you see something as a part of your identity and you have older scars from being bullied and traumatized in schools... Plus being autistic and feeling things x100 more intensely... Well. It compounds. It left a mark. I forever felt unsafe and anxious around the fandom ever since... And that alone should have taught me an important lesson, but oh boy- was I in for it: I was not done humiliating myself yet.

The mistake I mention / reference so often? It's the reason why I want to make sure that you don't think of me as a victim. A survivor? Yes, maybe. But a victim? Not at all.

It's true that a lot of bad sh*t happened to me throughout the course of my life, which ended up making me lag *WAY* behind with my mental age (my autism also did not help in that regard), but none of it excuses or condones what I ended up doing.

Sometime around the beginning of 2020, I had started befriending a Whiterose artist. They were, at the time, a minor: 16, turning 17 in September of that year. For reference, I was 24, turning 25 in November of that same year.

I commissioned them a few times because I genuinely thought they were super talented and that their art was gorgeous, considering how young they were.

COVID lockdowns and isolation happened, which caused me to become overweight... A burden that I and this artist could relate over. We started talking more frequently- and slowly began to open up to each other about stuff.

At first- it was our issues, but interests got thrown into the mix too... Such as our shared obsession for Whiterose and the show (RWBY). Additionally, I used to draw a lot at their age as well, plus we had similar music from our childhoods- and we started bonding more and more.

...

It was a gradual process and I didn't think much of it at the time.

I grew protective of them because they'd been through so much and reminded me a lot of my younger self.

It should have stayed like that. A platonic, close friendship... But then, their 17th birthday came around, where they ended up confessing their feelings to me.

Obviously, my initial reaction was shock, as well as a mild dose of being grossed / weirded out.

"You're a minor. And that's the end of that" was my response at the time.

And yet- over the course of the next 5-6 months, I grew more and more brimming with anxiety... And concerned. I was in denial at first, but it soon hit me that I had ended up catching feelings for them as well.

A normally functioning, well informed adult would have made the morally correct, mature choice of cutting off contact and possibly seeking help- But I was none of those things. I had a father who told me there was nothing wrong with dating a 17 year old (I went No Contact with him, by the way. One of the best decisions of my life and I still only have Weiss' character arc, written by Monty, to thank for that).

Regardless of my ignorance on the subject, I should have really known better. It felt wrong and I knew it was wrong somewhere deep down, but I didn't understand why, or, at least, not fully. According to the laws in their country, it was still legal, technically speaking- and I genuinely loved them, so I thought that would make it alright, because "17 and a half is not that far from 18, so there is no difference, right...?".

Add to this the fact that I had a false memory of being "mature" at that age- mostly a consequence of people demanding that of me, due to circumstances that developed in high school that I am not willing to talk about on this post (it's getting long enough as is).

But yeah...

With feelings of love winning over any common sense I may have had, I was trying to do away with the wrongness of it by rationalizing it... I never should have done so.

Regardless of the reasons that led me to where I am now... the damage has been done, no matter how much I wish I could take it back.

They kept insisting and were persistently chasing me- which, pathetically enough (for me. I'm the pathetic one here), made me eventually cave in.

The loneliness from lockdown and isolation may have played a role in this too...

They probably noticed the change in my behavior, with me being way more anxious around any gay jokes and joke flirting... And they knew about my weakness: that I was tired of always having to be the one to make a move in relationships and wanted to have someone express interest in me for a change.

Regardless of the reasons behind why and how it happened, I agreed to "dating" them while they were still, even if just by a few months, a minor.

Needless to say- It all came crashing down and burning within a week or two.

I had seen it coming, or at least, part of me had, because there had been red flags in the form of their mental health being poor from the start... Said mental health issues ended up escalating (and this was something I noticed far prior to the relationship. I had been aware of their issues for a while, but stupidly thought I could help them overcome stuff- huge mistake on my end, once again) when the first hardships, differences and disagreements started cropping up.

When things nose-dived- and their mask of fake maturity crumbled to pieces... They had a suicidal episode. Their father ended up finding out and justifiably demanded they cut off all contact with me.

I was depressed for the entirety of summer 2021, due to the sheer amount of guilt and shittiness I felt (and still feel) towards myself and the situation. I never wanted for them to get hurt- but I tried meddling with personal issues of theirs that would have required a mental health professional intervening, rather than a naïve, dumbf*ck, autistic idiot with savior syndrome, desperately trying to save someone resembling their younger self and also partly re-enacting their own abusive parental relationship dynamic. Yeah... You heard that last part right.

My mother used to emotionally abuse me the same way they unintentionally did- for the short duration of the relationship (if you can even call it that). This was the final straw that ended up crushing and destroying me on the inside, both on a psychological- and emotional level, once I finally connected the dots and figured it all out...

I had let them use me as a punching bag when their mood got really bad or extreme (they probably had / still have BPD) and I tried to help them the same way I tried helping my mother, who also suffered from similar mental health issues (sudden mood swings and anger issues).

Life goes full circle, they say. And I was dumb enough to reach out to them again after they turned 18... Out of guilt. While "on drugs" (some legal drugs have undesirable side-effects on me, which result in a far stronger high than normal. Most people would only be able to achieve / experience such through the use of illegal drugs).

Wrong as it was, we talked for a while and it soon turned into flirting again- but I knew somewhere deep down that even if the wrongness of them being a minor wasn't there anymore, it just wasn't right. I had gone through too much emotional turmoil... They also had too much power and control over me** (since it seems that I completely lose my mind when I develop strong feelings for someone) and, in fact, when the abuse resumed and I confronted them about it, they said "let's just lose touch and never talk to one another again".

And I respected that. While crushed, heartbroken, defeated, ashamed and hurting from abandonment and rejection, I still respected (and to this day, respect) their wishes...

**I want to make it clear that I *DO NOT* blame them AT ALL for what transpired. Back then, I was dumb enough to think —before properly informing myself on the topic— that I could balance any possible power dynamic I had over them as an adult / 25 year old, by giving them control over me and everything in the relationship. It was both an intentional- and a subconscious choice (the love part, I couldn't help). I only later came to realize that power dynamics between two people sporting such an age gap can never be rectified...

...and I forever have to live with what I have done.

I was depressed for all of Christmas 2021 as well. But I eventually let it go. I accepted that I deserved to be alone and moved on.

I will slowly heal, but I still find myself thinking, from time to time, that maybe I would only be able to do right by them if I went to jail.

Jailtime really is something I feel I personally deserve. While we never met in person to do adult stuff... we still eRPd (erotic[-ally?] RolePlayed)- and I sent two very, VERY wrong, inappropriate pictures to them, that were sexual in nature, even though they didn't expose anything that would class as "nudes" (no sexually explicit body parts were involved).

One of said pictures was of my face blushing bright pink and another of a used sex toy.

That- and we shared sexual fetishes, which... was / is on a whole other level of messed up.

I still feel dirty, mortified, disgusted with myself- and horrible... whenever I think back on all of that.

Had I known this to be the outcome of my poor sense of judgement, I would have NEVER gone anywhere near them. As dumb as the saying is- hindsight really is 20/20...

...And while I highly doubt that I would make the same mistake twice, I ask of minors that come across my social media profiles to avoid any interaction with me whatsoever.

In terms of becoming a better person... I really am trying my best. I donated to a charity helping children / teens with mental health issues, and I have gone full vigilante- pushing potential predators out of Discord servers I'm on, where minors are still present and I witnessed adults trying to groom them.

I can only do so much, though...

I'm a broke student, who used to be a victim of sexual abuse and assault too (there is a reason behind why I get anxious, angry and sick to the bone whenever I hear about —or witness— someone abusing a child)- and while I have overcome that trauma, I still cannot believe that I nearly, if not entirely, became a perpetrator of it myself.

If what I did effectively constituted a crime under their country's laws- and there was a way to turn myself in and not involve them directly (so that they wouldn't have to relive any hurt, psychological or emotional damage that I may have inflicted upon them in court, as they would have to provide victim testimony on the stand), I would definitely do so.

As much as it would destroy my life and chances at having any kind of career in the future... I still feel the need to take responsibility.

...With that said, I'm not asking for anyone's —and *ESPECIALLY* not their— forgiveness, nor pity.

I'm the one and only person responsible for my own actions, and I just wish them well, regardless of what they think of me.

I never had any ill intent, and despite all the hate I might get for outing myself like this, I still do not have an inkling of ill intent in me.

I no longer sport the long, white, bleached hair and bangs I had, which made me like myself in the mirror. I don't deserve that. I'm not Weiss, no matter how similar our backstories are, or seemed to be.

I cut my hair short- mainly to punish myself, as I do not like it at all when it is that way.

This will hopefully mark the start of a real, positive change.

I have recently turned 27 and I am finally starting to settle into —and feel— my age. Anyone 19 or younger just sounds immature and childish to me, which is a good thing.

I wish I had gotten help and started bettering myself during my late teen years, but alas- I wasted my twenties trying to find myself and sort myself out. I don't know what kind of future awaits me.

For the time being, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because I feel the need to let people know what I have done- and that they might get sh*t for associating with me in any shape or form by befriending or following me.

I have made many mistakes in my life and do not love myself in any way... But I still try to help people however I can, from a distance, whenever I see that there might be a chance for them to feel better, make better decisions, or simply help them not turn into a f*ckup like me.

...

P.S.: To [REDACTED] (the person I hurt): if you ever read this, I want you to know that I am proud of how far you've come. I wish you all the healing and all the best things in the world. You've got more passion, determination and drive to chase your dreams than I ever did... Which is admirable. I hope that your work, now flourishing into something bigger, becomes a hallmark of what you are capable of- of your accomplishments. You are —and have always been— better than me, despite all the crap you've been through as a kid- despite your trauma, BPD and how you hurt me.

You probably don't care for me anymore... And that's for the best. Move on. Find happiness.

I'm slowly withering away in the tight grip of The Apathy (if you need a physical manifestation / personification of my poor mental health eating away at me).

I cannot be saved... shouldn't be- and won't be. This is where I belong and that's exactly what I deserve.

Farewell. I'm truly sorry. For everything.

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